“Realpolitik #1 Broken Golden Dreams.”   4 comments


Otto Von Bismarck would have crushed my skull, had he been alive, for employing his brainchild as my title. Realpolitik in simple worlds means – politics or diplomacy based primarily on power and on practical and material factors and considerations, rather than explicit ideological notions or moral or ethical premises. A phenomenon widely practiced in India today.

It is too hard to contain the current events unfolding in our country into a single blog post since these are incredibly layered and has huge ramifications. An amateur political analyst cannot do the above sensibly. Therefore the entries under REALPOLITIK are an ATTEMPT to connect the immediate events which go past us by looking at the funny side of those ! It is outright silly !!


Pranab da, when he was the finance minister, candidly confessed once that he spent sleepless nights thinking about India’s deficit conditions. His instant solution was to walk out of Finance Ministry and into the Rashtrapati Bhavan ! He thus became the Best Prime Minister India never had ! Now the scape goat here was P.C. : the person who replaced Pranab da. He increasingly got fidgety over the fact that Indians’  imported too much gold draining FOREX reserves. Along came the solution – He increased the Import duty, We smuggled the gold in. He offered Inflation Indexed Bonds but we simply discarded it, He despised our habit of buying gold, We raised our middle finger in his direction !! P.C , a man miserably short of options, was blamed for bringing India’s fiscal health to this pass ! He too like his predecessor was fast becoming an Insomniac but a never heard before seer was his only chance to change his dwindling fortunes. At last , his single silver bullet had indeed arrived !

Meanwhile, the United States celebrated 100 years of Martin Luther King Junior’s speech “I have a Dream”. Indians, not to be left behind embarked on making the dreams of a seer come true !! Infectious enthusiasm !! Insiders say that it was P.C. and his men who wanted the Gold to be dug out to boost India’s Gold Reserves and avert kneeling down in front of IMF. In came ASI to stage the excavation drama. Now the question many raised was how scientific is it to rely solely on a seer’s word and go ahead. The lesser know fact is that the moment the seer went to town with his golden dream, CBI snatched him and brought him into a heavily guarded underground facility of Earth Science Ministry. Together, the MoEarth Science, ASI and GSI officials implanted the 1000 tonnes twist into seer’s subconscious. A dream within a dream ! Does that ring a bell ? Yeah Spot on ! This is the ORIGINAL IDEA which Earth Science Ministry ORIGINALLY COPIED from the Movie INCEPTION ! If you were not aware of this project, don’t you worry, a leading media house will run a scoop after few months and the skeletons will tumble out of the closet ! Another GATE in the making !

When they entered the seer’s dream to implant, they could not find even a foothold because his dreams were full of posh islands, nubile girls, porn websites and political ambitions !  They finally sneaked 1000 tonnes gold in with great difficulty ! Media played the SEER and his 1000 tonnes gold headlines, grabbing the eyeballs of the nation. A replay of PEEPLI LIVE kinda milieu came along ! Defying all logic and with infectious enthusiasm ASI started the excavation hoping to strike gold. The excavation even after crossing 15 meters yielded nothing but frustration. Undeterred, ASI stepped up the proceedings and went further deep yielding this time: broken bangles, mirrors  and toys. Even after all these dampeners, ASI still continued and went beyond the 150 meters mark underneath and Voila !! There it is !! They traced the signs of a hard metal hidden in the soil ! The excavators shouted Eureka thinking it was sure shot GOLD!! After unearthing , it turned out that those were in fact the many trunks containing THE MISSING COAL BLOCK ALLOCATION FILES !!! Mixed feelings dominated !!!

Unending requests from P.C. prolonged the excavation. The ASI by now had given up the dreams of hitting up a windfall. Nevertheless, P.C. still was optimistic because he was an Insomniac by now since Quantitative Easing nightmares from the USA was keeping him awake at nights. As ASI went down the earth further they discovered missing BOFORS files and reports, SHAH COMMISSION REPORT and stumbled upon undiscovered Shale gas reserves but not the gold !!! Eventually they saw light at the end of the tunnel one fine day ! But turned out that they had reached the other hemisphere and dug their way into the White House ! The ever paranoid security officials guarding the President caught them red handed ! Upon inquiry, the officials cooked up a tit for tat story ! With heads held high, backs erect and puffed out chests they declared with extreme patriotism –  so you thought you guys alone could snoop or bug huh ? Mess with us again and we will have our revenge served cold !! After summoning an emergency meeting with Pentagon, Barrack Obama, considering India’s growing military potential and technological breakthroughs decided to do the inevitable. Obama, not to ruffle the Indian feathers,  announced the DEFENCE CO OPERATION DEAL and TRANSFER OF DEFENCE TECHNOLOGY with INDIA !! When Singh visited New York this October, the deal was sealed !!

For the heartbroken P.C. there are three good possibilities to hit upon some gold: He should get hold of singer BAPPI LAHIRI because Bappi is the UNOFFICIAL GOLD RESERVE of India and can solve fiscal problems to a great extent if all his golden ornaments are seized  ! If this doesn’t work out then they should seriously consider taking gold out of Tirupathi. Now that the Telengana agitation has reduced the rush to trickles, they may let him have some ! Or should knock at the doors of Sri Padmanabhaswami Temple where gold lies idle.

If nothing works P.C. can only yawn signifying the widening gap between the rich and the poor in the country !!

P.S. – During a lighter moment in the white house , out of camaraderie, the ASI officials asked the NSA agency guys about the world leaders whose personal communications were bugged by them. After listing out all the names in the list, they said, Indian Prime ministers phone was tapped for over one year but discontinued later. On being asked why the official said – ” we could only hear him say – YES MADAM the most!”.



Posted November 1, 2013 by Aneesh in Funny Bone

Tagged with , , , , ,

4 responses to ““Realpolitik #1 Broken Golden Dreams.”

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  1. Humorous stuff guys-way to go!


    Rajeev Moothedath
  2. Neoliberalisation is all about chasing dreams even if the dreams belong to ignorant godmen.


  3. http://undiplomatictimes.blogspot.in/ check this writer out.


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